Social media rules the world. With the launch of my blog, many people informed me that I must have Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter pages to engage with my growing audience. I’ve received Facebook messages from a few of my new “friends”. I got a couple of “hello, how are you’s”? Every message was from a man, however, nothing out of the ordinary or disrespectful. If I got a bad vibe from someone, I immediately blocked them and moved on. And then, I saw Christopher’s message. First, I thought, “oh, he wrote a paragraph”. Then, I kept scrolling… and thought “this shit is long”, and, “I’m blocking him”, then “I’m reporting him”, lastly, “Oh I’m responding to this, and then I’m reporting and blocking him”.

    This wasn’t your typical Facebook message, or maybe it was, and I’m just old. This message rivaled the length of a fully developed essay; intro, body, and conclusion but of course it wasn’t. My response is below.

Dear Christopher, or would you prefer Chris? 

Thanks for following me and reaching out to introduce yourself. Your senior thesis began with many compliments, so let me begin by saying thank you. You could have verbally assaulted anyone, but you chose me. I really hope you understand implied sarcasm, otherwise, this entire response could go completely over your head. You told me “ you have Satan filing bankruptcy, and his unemployment rate is higher than (redacted’s) White House” (I don’t name drop y’alls president on my blog). You are very creative, but I’d like to start here, why is the devil so broke? Why do you have an inside connect on this info? You went on to say “your smile could cure disease and end racism”. Why thank you! I never knew that was within me, how the hell did you figure it out?!?! How do I access these powers, I’m trying to see something? Here’s where I started to question your sanity; “Beyoncé can’t even compare to you”. First of all, shut up and stop it right there sir. #Beyhive. 

This is also around the time your foot fetish began to get a little concerning. You mentioned feet at least 4 times in this manifesto young sir. Have you explored this with a professional? If not, you really should.  You continued by saying you would “let me put make-up on you and that you would paint my toenails”. Um, never have I wanted to put make-up on my partner, so no thank you. You also stated that you “would agree with me even when I’m wrong”. Why would you do this Christopher? How am I supposed to grow as a person if you do this? Obviously, you don’t care about my wellbeing. You said you would “snitch on my ‘female’ friends when they try to flirt with you”. First, my friends are Women (stop calling women females); 2nd; have you seen you? My girls send a telepathic resounding “oh hell no”! When I perused your Facebook page to make sure you didn’t suffer from any mental illness before I responded, I was absolutely not impressed. 

Next, you mentioned that you “would rub lotion on me when I was ashy”. Christopher, you’re getting comfortable. You don’t ever get to comment on mine or any other Black person’s “ash”, EVER. And how my friend Christopher, do you think I lotioned myself all my adult life before this odd proposition from you? Also; it’s 2019, why are you still threatening to “eat the booty like groceries”? Haven’t the kids come up with another annoying cliché you could overuse that doesn’t sound so dated? Please stop it. You graduated to another level of wtf-ness when you offered to “sell crack to pay my medical bills if I was deathly ill”. Here you go being nice again, although, I would think I’d like your company as opposed to the scent of crack on your clothes when you’re able to visit. I can only imagine that would make me nauseated on my death bed. Also; is crack still a thing? I know coke is, but they’re different, kind of. 

Part 2 of this extensive ransom note began with “you are worth more than you know”. Well, what makes you think that? I’m actually pretty confident and have wonderful self-esteem. You also said “ you are beautiful without a weave or wig” and “you don’t need no perm to assimilate with ‘white people’ hair”. Mr. Sir, PLEASE stop it. How the hell would you know? Again, there are 2 pictures on my page and you don’t know if the hair on my head is mine or not. How many Essence magazines did you look at to put that sentence together? How much time did you spend combing and trolling Black Twitter thinking “I’m gonna kill ‘em with this line”? I’ll breeze past the part in which you spoke about “going raw” and “shoving those toes in your mouth”. Just one question, who raised you? Better yet, who allowed you access to the outside world via the Internet? 

We’ll end it with your telling me “you don’t need to bleach your skin or be/speak more white”, and your promise to “use your white privilege to benefit me and anyone marginalized”. To that I say: I am VERY comfortable in my brown skin and always have been. Stand down. I, nor any self-respecting Black Woman needs a White savior. On “speaking white” I don’t know what the hell that means, especially coming from someone that doesn’t seem to have a firm grasp of the English language themselves. Thanks for the offer, but I’m not sure how far your privilege as a white fry dropper at Burger King is going to get me. Nothing wrong with working at Burger King, but you sir, there is a lot wrong with. To the B.W.L.W.M (Black Woman Loving White Man); I may not look older than 25, but I am and I think this classifies as disrespecting your elders, so stop. The last line of this declaration was “I wrote this to you because I’m tired of Black Men hating on Black Women”. Christopher, you poor thing. What makes you think you have the right? What you won’t do is bash any black man on my watch. Keep that shit over there, and watch your mouth. No, they are not perfect, but I’ll be damned if I sit and wax poetic over the shortcomings of a Black man with a white man child such as yourself who thought it appropriate to send this monstrosity to a Black woman. I’ll leave you with some tips, if you want the privilege of being with a Black woman, this isn’t how you’re going to get one. This botched essay is only going to get you continuously laughed at in many a group chat. You claim to be 24, and your writing style is reminiscent of an 8th grader that’s been bullied by all the blonde-haired blue-eyed girls in his class, so he decided to set his sights on Black girls. If this is actually the case, I really hope your guardians reel this in and put parental controls on all internet accessible devices in your house. But if you’re really 24, sigh. You are who you are, but please don’t subject any other Black women with public profiles on Facebook to this. Have Mercy; (uncle Jesse voice) (free Aunt Becky…not really). 

T.Nicole